Fearful avoidant friendzone reddit I'd only ever give him a second chance if he was aware of his avoidant attachment and was working on himself. of COURSE we are going to feel anxious and upset when that happens! We were all good with how things were going! But yeah. Recently, I had this situation and it was really insane. This is deeply engrained in Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. You haven’t learned how to relate in an emotionally consistent manner. Luckily for you there are many ways the friend zone can be a positive and can be completely avoided. **This community isspecifically for those with a DA attachment style** This is to vent, support, and work towards having healthier relationships with others. Even though avoidants are Thanks for this post. Learning about myself more etc. I'm FA. "Alternatively, some fearful-avoidant people may generally not enter into committed relationships at all. distant or mildly abusive but they need to see some enthusiasm at hi, I (19f) have an avoidant attachment style. People who have a fearful avoidant (or disorganized, which I think is a better term) attachment style typically had traumatic childhoods with deeply inconsistent, chaotic or abusive parents. Some of this sounds like fearful avoidant attachment style Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. Hence avoidants get stuck in the 'im defective' stance. Looking for resources/ perspective to better determine whether my partner is a dismissive avoidant or a fearful avoidant. Or check it out in the app stores Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. Reply reply skully_28 Very very very great insightful text, up to the last part. ----- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a direct reflection of our earliest experiences with our caregivers, as well as other influential relationships in our Something I'm recently working on is fear around decisions; I struggle with trusting myself, which I think is part of it, and also have issues with scarcity mindset, letting go of control, etc. Staying with friends after surgery or visiting them in hospital. This still is associated to a fear of a abandonment, but I will explain how splitting is different. falling inlove, and ghosting after date 3 because you think it's too good to be true. Gaming. Fearful avoidant here in therapy actively working on my attachment issues. i didnt understood anything at all and i brokeup with her because of the things she said that really hurt me. I feel like I wasted so many years just avoiding life and feeling like it’s because I’m so okay being alone. I don't have long term social contacts. Also, it's default for me to assume they're with someone new already so it amplified the fear of not bothering them. He came to me after he With a fearful avoidant ex, the lines between starting as friends and a fearful avoidant friend zone are blurred. Thanks! Good points. Internet Culture (Viral) Amazing; Animals & Pets Most of us fearful avoidants have unresolved trauma we need to deal with in order to become more secure. And I kept my word. I see a lot of people on Reddit that get pissed about I have read avoidants being into Preoccupied types, in order to have some control, which is understandable too. You can also do your own inner work to stay secure as a single person, some people find it helps to have accountability and community to do the work. . Fearful avoidants want and fear love and intimacy in equal measure, and tend to be most comfortable in relationships which have a push and pull dynamic Fearful avoidant attachment, also known as disorganised attachment, can create confusing and contradictory patterns in relationships. Thanks for putting that into perspective. I hope you’re giving yourself some credit. Disorganized is just that, kind of all over the place. Internet Culture (Viral) Amazing; A lot of fearful avoidants run when they feel happiest, because they’re scared, and end up self sabotaging a great relationship because they’re scared. Fearful avoidants withdraw from a relationship strictly due to intimacy increasing. Members Online Met up with (FA)Ex for drinks and everything felt like another plane in the multiverse, a carbon copy of the past but different too Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. Support Needed 🫂 To preface, I’m currently in a vulnerable place where harsh criticism is a lot for me. The idea that it is totally wrong for me feels so real. Fearful Avoidant and rejection. We would always take compatibility tests and attachment style quizzes and they almost always said that I am a fearful avoidant and she’s an anxious. It got worse not better. Literally every point is how I am. Unless he’s working on actually fixing himself the relationship is never going to work. One reason is that fearful avoidants themselves don’t know if they want you back as a romantic partner or if they just want to Fearful avoidants don't typically enter into superficial relationships. The foundation of a real relationship, is non existent. Other attachment styles are also welcome and encouraged. I am very anxious in my romantic relationships but fearful-avoidant in my friendships. When with a FA/avoidant I am extremely fawning and codependent and lose myself and please at all costs. I began becoming avoidant during our relationship because I became making excuses for his behaviour and avoiding fights. Another big roadblock for me is if I fear the other person might get upset or angry. He came this week but didn't give me the “important” paper. This is the reason they stayed together. Please read the rules - assign yourself a user flair; and non-DAs please post in the weekly 'All AT Styles Thread' :) In short, yes. I also have fearful avoidant attachment style, currently leaning dismissive avoidant. So the fact that you’re swinging this way is a huge accomplishment. I lean anxious. It's awfully hard to escape the friendzone the only person i know that did it is Ron Stoppable. Uh. It's a sad realisation that due to this I have been picking the same sort of emotionally unavailable men who mirror image me, time and time and time again. So when they’re in their avoidance it can push even another avoidant or secure into an anxious attachment. my best advice to you is to walk away and never look back. Everything you wrote is on point with the unhealthy attachment to this dynamic with a FA. I have anxious/fearful-avoidant traits and a fear of displaying vulnerability that I believe are a result of what I endured in the family home during my formative years. I just want to give a bit of backstory, I dated my ex for I think barely half a year (5 1/2 months) and we are both fearful-avoidants. Expand user menu Open settings menu. There is no such thing as an "avoidant". I just came to the sad realization that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Maybe it’s an attempt to relive the situation but gain control this time. someone being fearful avoidant in a romantic relationship becoming secure For the cherry on top, I love being alone and I’m really scared of commitment! I recently got into therapy to address all these issues and it’s been great, mostly addressing my anxiety. To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. Keeping one hand on the edge of the pool all the time is a dismissive avoidant I’m a fearful avoidant, once I’m done with people, my feelings for them tend to disappear and kind of border on contempt. Some days, the isolation feels safer because it means avoiding those intense feelings of inadequacy and rejection. She’s definitely not a classic avoidant, she is a fearful avoidant (disorganised), which is a combination of anxiously and avoidant-ly attached. I think she's highly anxious, because she frequently apologizes and calls herself annoying, needs constant validation and feedback in conversations, and wants to be together all the time. I had someone advise me to reach out with something like “hey, was wondering how you’re doing, couldn’t let today go by without checking in on you. Buying thoughtful gifts. He kept me arm distance relationship, which caused me both anxiety and avoidant . Ehh, I wouldn’t exactly pin that behavior on being a fearful avoidant. One side is the anxious side. We broke up once a y couple years ago, then got back together and it seemed that the second time around he did his best to push me away and keep me at arms-length. The hardest part is pushing myself to see him so we can talk instead of cancelling on him. Unless one is of very secure attachment style, who may let the avoidant do their own thing, to let them come HE IS CORRECT. The fearful avoidant works much like a teetor totter swinging back and forth between anxious and avoidant. I don't consciously push people away, but, as much as I crave a relationship and become attached quickly, it's also hard for me to commit to one as I fear being hurt. It's the whole 'I failed you and I don't want you to experience that with me again' kind of mentality. I’m also pretty sure that I have a secure attachment style so I think there’s a chance we could make our relationship work if he starts seeing a therapist or if we do couples therapy. So he pulls away himself. Uncover 10 key reasons that delve into the emotional and psychological intricacies. The mechanics of this attachment style are amazingly Fearful Avoidant (well, basically they seak intimacy and independence in same time, which does not make sense for rational person, for them either actually) and Dismissive Avoidant (values I asked in one of the avoidant's thread and someone said "two weeks is not enough". i think fearful avoidants need to learn to trust and communicate. Fearful avoidants want and fear love and intimacy in equal measure, and tend to be most comfortable in relationships which have a push and pull dynamic I told my FA or fearful avoidant ex when she dumped me that she was not going to get to keep me as a friend. When those avoidant feelings get the upper hand, it's bizarre but I no longer see the truth of our relationship. If someone actually returned the feelings I would most likely freak out. If you have any questions, please send the I am a fearful avoidant but I was the dumpee. But avoidants can be manipulative and abusive. I hate it. Many partners will have been loving, loyal and contributory to the relationship - traits which a secure partner would relish, but can cause a sense of inadequacy in a fearful avoidant partner. DO NOT BECOME FRIENDS WITH A FEARFUL AVOIDANT EX. Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. Planning/organising fun things to do together. 200 users here now. Couple years ago I was fearful avoidant leaning anxious preoccupied. Yes, sometimes you can bring the horse to the water, but you can’t make a drink, everyone’s healing journey and personal growth is different. He’s either dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant leaning dismissive. They might pick partners who are avoidant, emotionally. Or check it out in the app stores TOPICS. I am also an avoidant, but I am a Fearful Avoidant. They chose to leave the relationship. And by too much interest I'm talking about when we are on a first date with a new guy, and he maybe flirts with me before I'm ready to be flirted with, I get a strong "ick" feeling of repulsion, like the weight of his romantic expectations suffocates me, I’m looking for some information from people that are solidly diagnosed with the Fearful Avoidant attachment style. When he’s in his fearful state it’s nice I also tend to date avoidant or FA leaning avoidant. I’m learning in therapy that apparently an avoidant can re-trigger an insecure attachment. A DA attachment is characterized by Get an ad-free experience with special benefits, and directly support Reddit. i was with one and im anxious. I realized he is a fearful avoiding 4 days ago and I have been researching the topic ever since. 3- The cause: The cause of fearful-avoidant attachment can be attributed to a childhood environment characterized by a lack of consistent comfort and safety, often stemming from experiences such as having a neglectful or unpredictable caregiver or enduring abuse. I get the sense she deactivated very abruptly once an event occurred in our relationship that took a serious step toward intimacy and true commitment. Unless an avoidant is honest, and states that's the way they are. My ex is a fearful avoidant I believe and we’re about a week and a half into no contact. Evade any sort of conciliation attempts, even in their own best interest and for the greater good of all parties. And I have an anxious attachment style. Please respect our space Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. One reason is that fearful avoidants themselves don’t know if they want you back as a romantic partner or if they just want to Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. I have no clue what I will feel 1 hour from now let alone days, months, and years. I do try to communicate to him why I’ve ended things irrationally or why I Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. I can totally relatee! The thing with fearful-avoidant is a mixture of two extremes. This can absolutely cause a fearful avoidant way of coping. I, with an anxious attachment dated an FA for about five years. Avoiding the issues of intimacy and affection and commitment would usually lead the avoidant to miss your birthday but spend the entire day doing nothing or feeling sorry for themselves once they realize they missed it, or missed it entirely because they thought they couldn’t plan anything special for you. We are the most extreme form of the insecure attachment styles and For those reasons, I strongly believe that she is a fearful avoidant (disorganized attachment). Whereas an AP might cling to their partner for fear of being hurt, an avoidant pushes away from She doesn't want you. ----- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a direct reflection of our earliest experiences with our caregivers, as well as other influential relationships in our I’m biased as a therapist but I really do think therapy is the best answer. Picture a teetor totter. I think blanket statements (anything including the term ALL) can be pretty unhelpful in attempts to understand individual behavior. Please respect our space. She then started to delay her texts. I am certain you love them and I am Certain they have a lot of great qualities but if you read any of the avoidant sub Reddit’s change takes a I’m anxious mixed with a substantial dose of fearful avoidant, and my most recent ex was avoidant. Which is what fearful Fearful avoidant attachment style is nothing but a mesh of beliefs, memories, and expectations hidden in your subconsciousness. I am working on myself to become securely attached. The “lovebombing,” the relationship progression, the “vilifying” or demonizing, the discard, the validation (pull/push). Being with a fearful avoidant really destroys your mind. I’ve heard it explained as avoidants being self anxious (in their heads) and anxious preoccupied as being self avoidant. Do not bully or harass other users. At the start of our relationship, my partner was warm and caring typicially showing traits that leans towards secure avoidant, and as time progress (during covid19 outbreak), we would slowly move apart, text and communicate less, she would blame me for A safe-space subreddit for those with the disorganized attachment style, also known as fearful avoidant or anxious-avoidant. The almost-real time feedback coupled with real-life experience has catapulted my attachment process forward lightyears. Here are the common signs of it. For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword searching "FAQ. The child never manages to figure out how to seek connection because nothing works, and so it’s nearly impossible to develop cohesive coping mechanisms I'm an avoidant (unsure if DA or FA with dismissive tendencies), and I've been feeling drained when I spend time with my anxious friend. 🙋♀️ It is so so so common to swing avoidant when you’re healing your attachment style. I know its twisted but knowing he is giving me Fearful-avoidant attachment affects around 7% of the population. ----- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a direct reflection of our earliest experiences with our caregivers, as well as other influential relationships in our I can understand some of their tendencies being avoidant myself. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Depending on how close I am to the person and what they are doing, I generally feel trapped, enraged, and an intense need to run. I also generally have an unhealthy amount of anxiety and I always share my thoughts with my friend. Literally I’m failing my software engineer class because I can’t get my mind to focus. Right now, she probably needs time to think and process everything she's experiencing. get reddit premium. As a recovering Anxious attached, I'm running as soon as I spot Avoidant behaviour. And when after the break he said that he broke up because he was stressed out about commitment, I was pretty sure that he is a fearful avoidant. He likes you, for sure. I struggle trying to piece my mind back together. Met someone very recently and they said they identify as fearful avoidant To those who don't know, fearful-avoidant attachment is an adult attachment style that is characterized by the urge to protect oneself and stay away from relationships, while at the same time having an urge to be in a relationship. View community ranking In the Top 1% of largest communities on Reddit Avoiding friendzone with very introverted and shy girl (19/F) Heya guys, So you're smart enough to figure that out but not smart enough to figure out that rejection is better than the friendzone. I said I wasn't going to go from being the ONE for her as she made me feel to just another one of her beta-male SIMP male friends hanging around her hoping they'll get a "shot" at being her SO. Or check it out in the app stores TOPICS she could probably sense you were proposing soon, the relationship was going to the next level and that Avoidant fear of intimacy and commitment and vulnerability kicked in big time. And I feel really bad because she really wanted to commit us to work through all of our problems and become secure together but tbh if me being an avoidant is true that seems like something I Every interaction carries the weight of potential rejection, and the constant fear of messing up or saying something wrong is emotionally draining. He was a Dismissive Avoidant. I listened to podcasts, read a lot of internet articles and Reddit forums, and watched lot of YouTube videos (Thais Gibson is a great resource), all of which were great for me to learn and gain awareness and reflect. It feels safer than before . We are now in the friendzone while he figures some things out (or permanently Im not sure if you can change your thinking but I try to fight it because I know I still feel like I'm not worthy but everytime my partner shows me their vulnerable side, I feel less scared and more worthy. I would eventually become avoidant out of so much pain and break it off. Please respect our space This was a week ago. " Non-avoidant participation is limited I’m looking for some information from people that are solidly diagnosed with the Fearful Avoidant attachment style. Anyone else? I am wondering how I can start working on that, in order to move to a Secure Attachment style. Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. 1) Don't be friendly Sameeee sameeeee. I am fearful avoidant. I think the reason why few people consider themselves fearful is because it's not as distinctive as dismissive or anxious, so a fa dating da might believe they're anxious and an fa dating an ap may believe they're avoidant. In some ways my therapist believes it worsened my attachment issues tremendously. It sucks. When people say avoidants shut down due to "fear of intimacy," they're correct. It's chaotic, messy, and toxic especially if we're approached with both anxious and avoidant sides. Relationships can condition you to move from anxious preoccupied to fearful avoidant if they are unhealthy over time. I'm FA and have been avoiding dating out of fear, but now that I'm about to go on a vacation I Get app Get the Reddit app Log In Log in to Reddit. I had a relationship with DA for three years. When really they should stop enabling their toxic behaviours and leave them, in hopes that maybe one day they will give up their victim mentality, face their fears & traumas, take responsiblity and develope mindfulless and start underst Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. For context, I am a male, in my early 30's. I recently realized that I am a fearful avoidant. 3). but it was obvious. The mechanics of this attachment style are amazingly predictable. Maybe send her a text in a few days with something short like "I miss you" or something similar. I don't see this as the question here. I don't know what to do. Fearful avoidants seem to have all these things, but also they fear being hurt by the closeness, find it hard to trust people, and they push them away. Hi! Recovering fearful-avoidant here and attachment coach. 4- What triggers Talked to therapist after to figure out what just happened and she said she has a fearful avoidant attachment style. I moved back 5/6 months ago, I started work and I’m doing a great job, and I’m starting to save some money. This is very very very common. ) This was a week ago. View community ranking In the Top 5% of largest communities on Reddit. (i don't date anyone seriously so it's situationships and then they become more intimate and i want to hide in a hole) so i poke and prod and maybe blame a little, to get an emotional reaction out of Hey, I wanted to post this in the attachment style subs but they are all very restrictive of who can post and idk how to qualify lol. In my early 20s, I had a fairly severe fearful avoidant attachment and so I am pretty personally familiar with common behaviors of people with intimacy fears. It's my understanding that if you are a fearful avoidant/anxious-avoidant then not only would you not be able to stay out of relationships for very long at all (though you may have many, many short ones, but generally coping with life is also hard. I A space for people who struggle with an anxious attachment style to learn more about it (so as to get on the path of healing), share experiences of their healing journey, find support while healing, and give tips and feedback for discovering healthier coping mechanisms, and overall feeling more secure within yourself (and with others). I also believe that the fear of abandonment or self abandonment can manifest as distrust of others and self. She certainly would be extremely anxious, but would oscillate with a fear of engulfment. Acrobatic-Software96 Dating a fearful avoidant, I’m anxious and confused . You have to understand this attachment style comes from trauma this is an innate response we have (we do not choose it). I’m a fearful avoidant with dismissive traits myself, and right now I’m making the most progress while in the new stages of a relationship while in therapy. These can be changed via therapy, introspection, courses, etc. Sounds fearful avoidant - leaning avoidant. Feeling unworthy of healthy relationships is the biggest belief of a fearful avoidant. I wasn’t fully aware of attachment theory at the time, but have since educated myself more and it appears that self-sabotage (shutting down/withdrawing, pulling away, pushing the partner away, etc. They also suggested I wait until mine decided to reach out if I was willing to. It’s why Many partners will have been loving, loyal and contributory to the relationship - traits which a secure partner would relish, but can cause a sense of inadequacy in a fearful avoidant partner. She dumped you with a bullshit escuse about being an "avoidant" because she wants to make herself feel better by not having to tell you how she really feels. I noticed people in authority trigger me really badly and I don't trust them. Explore why avoidant attachment styles often choose friendship over romance. In my case, I Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. I journal a lot to get in touch with my feelings. It never changed. I found out he was still on Tinder talking to girls after 2 months of pretty serious dating (introducing me to all friends, bringing me to work events as his date, sleeping at each other’s houses on work nights, etc. But my ex ended up being an unhealed fearful avoidant (I wasn’t aware), so once he flipped around 6 months in everything went to hell. You're letting fear get the best of you regarding your actions, don't I think fearful avoidants are way more common than 7%. I've been secure for many years now and am currently in a healthy relationship with a fellow secure partner, only after a lot of time spent searching, reflecting, and growing. The most important thing to recognise here is that the Avoidant feels most at ease with a partner at arm's length, because they feel suffocation easily. Brief story We met thru app and I was living in the same city so that we met every week for a year. It's easier if the avoidant dumper is a young woman, With a fearful avoidant ex, the lines between starting as friends and a fearful avoidant friend zone are blurred. ) is a very common trait among I’m not sure I agree mate. The breakup was so confusing and she was very hesitant and emotional. How? By meeting your own needs and helping your mental health. If she's talking about guys she likes then you're more than likley in the friendzone. Somehow, when I read that In my opinion, most avoidant dumpers don't do any kind of counseling or therapeutic work, they just dump and look for a new relationship. Being fearful avoidant is the biggest paradox because you crave closeness so bad that it hurts, yet you completely isolate yourself from others. When in difficult situations, I shut down, get angry, project and act out from a place that feels foreign in my mind and body. Our anniversary for 4 years will be at the 3 week mark exactly for no contact. Avoidant people often like to project onto secure people that they are "anxious" if they show even the slightest anxiety or upset about the avoidant pulling away and suddenly changing the dynamic of the relationship. " Non-avoidant participation is limited and enforced. For those reasons, I strongly believe that she is a fearful avoidant (disorganized attachment). ”. bare in mind i only know about these things after we brokeup. ----- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a direct reflection of our earliest experiences with our caregivers, as well as other influential relationships in our life. Let me be clear: if she is used to an abusive situation she is used to her partner ALSO being avoidant. I will open up and be vulnerable with people I trust enough and want to be closer to. I was recently in a 6 month situationship with a guy (20m) that I had known for about 6 years. Period. Or check it out in the app stores Before I knew what an avoidant was I would describe the relationship as one sided, neglectful, emotionally unavailable, bad Hi I’m basically secured ( I did 3 different tests) but in me, there is Fearful Avoidant. Conversely, the right relationship overtime can help you become more secure. 💖 This post reminded me of why I need to stay no contact with my ex boyfriend. Rules. The other is the avoidant side which fears getting hurt. My ex was a bit of both and it stems from childhood trauma etc. Eventually after at least a decade she admitted she pushed me away out of fear because I was what she wanted, but it scared her. There is no hidden secret answers. Follow reddit rules. I feel deep regret about losing those years that I could have had fun but didn’t to appease my mom. Thankfully now I moved back with my mom, thinks have changed at home. I was more hurt spending time with the person I felt “wronged me” (not going to say I feel For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword searching "FAQ. You want love and connection, but when you receive what you finally crave, the avoidance /deactivating strategies kick in (cold A month and a week after our initial hangout I messaged him while drunk asking what was going on because he seemed very avoidant so he confessed how these whole situation was new feelings for him to explore and how he was avoiding hanging out because it seemed weird that someone was wanting to hangout with him more often and how it felt good 🤯 damn. This is so spot-on, and I’ve never looked at it that way before. Having done a lot of research on attachment theory and dating a couple of avoidants I’ll clear a few things up here and hopefully this helps. For those who do not have an avoidant I (24f) have a best friend (24f) and we are quite literally attached to the hip. If I got too close, she pushed and ran away, too far, she’d pull me back in. Except for partners who are strictly casual and organically fade, I sometimes remember them fondly. BreakUps join leave 370,688 readers. I fear that so much so I avoid conflict because it feels easier for me to be miserable inside than to potentially cause someone else to be miserable. I've just spent all morning delving into some detail about attachment theory, and have come to the realisation that I'm primarily Fearful Avoidant (although the test I took had me down as secure, so I don't think it's too good at picking up some key traits). Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. I’m fearful avoidant leaning avoidant. Honestly, Fearful Avoidants are a bit difficult to work with because they are on both sides of the Anxious attached and Avoidant Attachment spectrum. With avoidants the equation to remember is feelings minus fears, the feelings could be a 9/10 but the fear and wounds are a Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. Intimacy is terrifying, because it makes us vulnerable to being hurt. Everybody has issues that they run into, and everyone needs advice every now and again. 213 users here now. I am terrified of being responsible for someone else’s feelings so I am just avoiding people entirely. For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword I just made a test on The Attachment Project to figure out my attachment style and, as I have been thinking, I have a disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style. How she really feels is that you are essentially a loser and she believes she can do better. This is Reddit's very As to the experience of the people in a relationship with them, it may seem their partner is acting most consistent with one of the insecure attachment styles (anxious-preoccupied or anxious-leaning fearful-avoidant for people with BPD or dismissive-avoidant for people with NPD), but the drivers for their behavior is totally different, as is Whereas an Avoidant will avoid communication and tends to withdraw / shut down. I want a relationship, I actually catch feelings way easier than I should, but usually it’s with an avoidant person who doesn’t reciprocate so it’s just me chasing them. Identifying the feeling has historically been the hardest part for me, but I'm getting much better at this. I have jumped from partner to partner and truly I’ve never 100% trusted the other person and end up detaching myself when there are any slight I’m fearful avoidant but in my last relationship leaning towards avoidance. It’s been around a week since I went no contact with my fearful avoidant ex after she broke up with me. You can’t fix this POV. This is a support community. I’m good at remembering and asking people about the little things going on for them. Its also hard to gauge what she is with so little information on a reddit post. I just want to love him, he is perfect for me. A week after being friendzoned, we didn’t talk for a bit until she reached out to me how I was doing which i responded. I was wondering if anyone here who is a fearful avoidant or really familiar with attachment theory could give some thoughts on my theory that an old love of mine who had a pattern of ghosting was fearful avoidant leaning. We all have toxic behaviors to Some degree. In this episode of On Attachment, we explore how this attachment style plays I’m more fearful avoidant (especially at first) but over time I generally move much more to the dismissive avoidant side. This helps with I have found that my attachment style is fearful avoidant. These are more the. I stuffed down the fear of intimacy and vulnerability for so long that I was an extremely dismissive and avoidant person for near a decade, only choosing to meet people for hook ups and baked-in failure so that it wouldn’t progress to more. Even as we got to know each other better and got closer the behaviors got more dramatic and inconsistent. It can get really confusing for me, because I have a lot of very secure friendships (some 25 years plus) and I love being there for them and engaging in emotional intimacy with my friends. It’s actually really helped me to learn to self soothe and become more secure (I typically lean anxious). My ex is FA and one thing he told me was that he began to self-sabotage our relationship when things were going really well. Mostly because I'm scared of being direct. I feel like he was a lot less avoidant than me. Bottom line is they will continuously hurt you if you do not set boundaries and the tone. Self-Compassion and silencing the inner critic, which is/was the abuser's voice, my mother. So FA is a fearful avoidant and an AA is an anxious avoidant. Log In / Sign Up; Advertise on Reddit; Shop Collectible Avatars; Get the Reddit app Scan this QR code to download the app now. She is one of the only people I feel/felt 100% comfortable with. Or check it out in the app stores or I friendzone them and detach. she will pick on small things to fight and will try her best to create distance and maintaining her independence. I only feel the fear and man, that fear can be so terrifying. Went through a breakup in August with another fearful avoidant (imagine that rollercoaster) and Of course it's almost impossible to know what happened the first 3 years of your life when the initial attachment develops but I would say that a Fearful avoidant attchment doesn't just come out of nowhere and there doesn't have to be any clear or visible signs of it happening, like physical violence or neglect. Knowing you love each other but it is too scary to be happy. We haven't spoken since, and he didn't come to school last week (he wasn't sick). Whether yelling at traffic, or cursing. Sometimes I feel very threatened and sick to my stomach. Every fearful avoidant I know, and believe me there are atleast 4, are hostile, in denial, avoid responsibility, and disengage in constructive conflict. 2). Fear of Abandonment. But actually deep down, I do long for genuine connections and meaningful relationships. I have a hard time understanding that mentality. This takes time and starts with small gestures of treating I have Cptsd and I’m pretty sure I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. doesn’t Ahh yes the fearful avoidant. It becomes overwhelming especially in a relationship when communicating, I take everything as an attack & cannot handle criticism. I have also heard a lot about avoidants being into other avoidants because of the familiar environment, which I can relate to. Historically, I've gotten avoidant towards people who I would consider very emotionally demanding or have some "boundary issues" - wanting to spend constant time together/talk all the time (this is something I wouldn't consider inherently bad - just overwhelming to my avoidant side), a sense of possessiveness/jealousy of me, regularly initiating fights over very small Sounds more like dismissive avoidant. My attachment style affects every kind of relationship. I am 25f and I can’t stop crying. He broke up with me and I broke no contact 3 weeks in, he rejected me and I have stayed no contact since (5 months). But at the same time anxious cause I wanted to resolves conflicts so much. My fearful avoidant ex wants to stay friend Dear Reddit community, Long story short, after 3 years of a chaotic long distance relationship, my ex FA (man 27) finally left me in February 2024 telling me I was perfect but he wasn't ready for a relationship, it was too soon, and he was fucked up. This is a post for non-avoidants to ask advice and input from avoidants, and for avoidants to ask advice on dealing with someone else's avoidance. BreakUps join leave 370,686 readers. My ocd isn’t helping either, it makes me obsess over every little flaw he has that could be possible causing it, from looks, to smell, and even to his actions and words . That's normal, everyone experiences things differently and as someone who's working through healing an FA attachment to everything and everyone, I relate! I (FA/ AP if I'm with an avoidant), tend to run away from guys who show too much interest too quickly (unless they're unavailable). Avoiding the Friendzone. The more anxious I get, the worse it gets. I left and now I noticed I started to have more avoidant behaviours. But it's not the full answer. Internet Culture (Viral) Amazing; Animals & Pets; Cringe & Facepalm; Fearful avoidant (lean anxious) struggling to get over fellow fearful avoidant (lean avoidant, though can be very anxious) Chaotic is the best word. Be supportive. A DA attachment is characterized by an intense fear of engulfment (and an unconscious fear of abandonment) which manifests in us fiercely defending/asserting our independence/autonomy often at the expense of intimacy. But loads of people will relay, avoidants are impossible. Fearful avoidants are so hard like his fearful side and avoidant side are both so strong. Valheim; Genshin Impact; Minecraft; I don't know if you might be poly however that would be very hard as a fearful avoidant partly because people believe it requires less vulnerability, less time being spent with the Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. Some theories suggest that persons with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may use sex or have higher rates of sexual partners as a way of trying to get their core needs met for connection and belonging that typically went unmet in childhood. You sound like you were quite transparent (which FA's appreciate). Monthly Relationship Discussion: Ask Avoidants . Get an ad-free experience with special benefits, and directly support Reddit. Most AT-aware anxious folks problem is overemphasizing with the avoidant person. My fearful avoidant partner is now dating someone a month after we broke up from a 5 year relationship. Notice that you might be distorting the reality As you learned by now, our realities are merely the projection of our inner worlds. If it’s any constatation, its truly hell in my head. But personally, I like to know the emotions of someone I care about but DAs show little interest in any of that. So I'm going to assume when I spoke to the therapist in detail, that she is a FA. i am afraid of the answer. My dumper was avoidant, he brought out my anxious side more. Here are a few things that have helped my avoidant side. " Thank you for your response. In your brains deepest levels, romantic=safe but the intimacy or vulnerability of trusting a friend = unsafe. Fearful avoidants activate quickly, fall madly in love and then get rather sudden triggers that make them claustrophobic. ----- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a Also got the Fearful-Avoidant attachment and also felt disgust towards healthy love til mid 30s. Because he was more avoidant with her, she felt she had to chase him, even though he was abusive she mistook this mouse and cat game for true love. I'll definitely look into the interdependent reading. I try to commit to choices and move forward. I really do need to normalize being needed. The few times I have dated an anxious person I get the ick so badly and feel Avoiding the friendzone with ex-Gf(25 FA) (after falling so hard and getting pushed away so many times I started to become avoidant!). wedw sglrf athvl bkwul mirz fatmdzaa fulykjyd tyekau mycf nwuhkyi